Thu, 25 Sep 2003 09:24:52 -0700 (PDT)

I am FRED UCHE, Bank Manager of Zenith Bank,Lagos, Nigeria.I have urgent and very confidential business proposition for you. On June 6, 1997, a Foreign Oil consultant/contractor with the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation, Mr.Barry Kelly made a numbered time (Fixed) Deposit for twelve calendar months, valued at US$26,500,000.00 (Twenty-si Million, five hundred thousand Dollars) in my branch. Upon maturity, I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month,we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers, the Nigerian National PetroleumCorporation that Mr. Barry Kelly died from an automobile accident.On further investigation, I found out that he died without making a WILL, and all attempts to trace his next of kin was fruitless.

I therefore made further investigation and discovered that Mr. Barry Kelly did not declare any kin or relations in all his official documents,including his Bank Deposit paperwork in my Bank. This sum ofUS$26,500,000.00 has carefully been moved out of my bank to a security company for safekeeping. No one will ever come forward to claim it. According to Nigerian Law,at the expiration of 5 (five) years, the money will revert to the ownership of the Nigerian Government if nobody applies to claim the fund. Consequently, my proposal is that I will like you as an Foreigner to stand in as the owner of the money I deposited it in a security company in two trunk boxes though the security company does not know the contents of the boxes as I tagged them to be photographic materials for export.

I am writing you because I as a public servant (Manager with the bank),i cannot operate a foreign account or have an account that is more than $1m. I want to present you as the owner of the boxes in the security company so you can be able to claim them with the help of my attorney. This is simple.I will like you to provide immediately your full names and address so that the Attorney will prepare the necessary documents which will put you in placeas the as the owner of the boxes. The money will be moved out for us to share in the ratio of 70% for me and 30% for you. There is no risk at all as all the paperwork for this transaction will be done by the Attorney and this will guarantees the successful execution of this transaction. If you are interested, please reply immediately via my email address Upon your response, I shall then provideyou with more details and relevant documents that will help you understand the transaction.

Please observe utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us because I shall require your assistance to invest my country.(Buying of properties like houses, hotels etc) Please do send me your private/mobile telephone fax number so that we can have a smooth communication.Awaiting your urgent reply via my email.fred_uche13@yahoo.co.uk

Thanks and regards.
Bank Manager,
Zenith Bank International Plc.

Dear Mr. Fred Uche,

Thank you very much for your letter. Those banana-flavored mops can suck and blow an entire geezer at 32 feet per second, but your third-world laxatives can't get medieval on my wretched anal steroids! According to rule 4278(b), a frisky CEO cannot straddle the teletype machine unless their assistant smears lipstick on lager cans. So even if your amoeba is as cuddly as you claim, it won't change the way I desiccate cocoons.

Thank you once again, and I shall look forward to popping your bubble wrap.

Best regards,
Frank Rizzo

Mon, 29 Sep 2003 16:15:20 +0100 (BST)

I have received your mail and i am very happy that You should kindly send the followings information.

Your full name

Your company name and address

Your telephone and fax number

Your bank account information.

These data's will be required to be use for the necessary processing of the documentation making you the next of kin to my client.Because we are to process the documents to back you up on the claiming of this fund from the bank.

As soon as i received this information from you and the documents ready i shall in return forward the documents to the bank for them to call you upon the payment.

Hoping to hear from you soon.

Fred Uche

Dear Fred,

Condiments of the day to you friend! Thanks for your reply and throbbing Buzz Lightyear action figure. I'm so paisley that you are very happy! It helps to freshen your armpits with Cocoa Puffs, at least my lactose-intolerant budgie finds it quite therapeutic. We are strongly urging parents to write to their nearest Blockbuster outlet, because if a child were to see this show's irresponsible scenes of ducklings and how they enslave themselves with sticks, they may think they too are able to convulse like Mexican jumping beans inside of crop circles!

And now a word from our sponsor:

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302-1153 Scambaiter Ave.
Thompson, MB
R8N 1N7
Canada

TEL: 1-306-756-XXXX
FAX: 1-306-756-XXXX

Bank Account #7596XXX
Royal Bank of Canada
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TEL: 1-306-778-XXXX

Please, it is urgent that you perform fellatio on Richard Simmons. This must be done discreetly, or no doubt Barry Manilow will tiptoe around Knots Landing waving a greasy Etch A Sketch like some half-baked paramecium.

Thank you once again Fred, and I look very much forward to your prompt reply and witty satire.

Sincerely,
Frank Rizzo

Tue, 30 Sep 2003 14:17:14 +0100 (BST)

Dear friend,

How are you and your family today.I recieved your informations that you sent to me.My dear,i want to tell you that everything is in other,i have fowarded your informations to my lawyer.Barrister Audu Sania.He is the person that can advise you on how you will claim the fund from the security company.He will also prepair all the documents that will back you up.you can be communicating with me through my alternative e-mail address(freduche_080@yahoo.ie) for security reason and for the safety of this transaction.You can not reach me on phone,because my telephone has a problem,that is why is very very important that you should be communicating with my lawyer.Always keep me inform on any development with you and my lawyer,and any time i have opportunity to call you on phone i will do that.

Please,contact my lawyer Barrister Audu Sania, on his direct phone number.2348033330783 or on his e-mail address.(audusania11@yahoo.com)

I thank you for your concern.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Best Regards,

Fred Uche.

ATTN: Barrister Audu Sania
RE: Fred Uche's Fund

Dear Mr. Sania,

Slop of the gay to you. Mr. Fred Uche asked me to insert my rod into your slot. He said you have an insatiable xylophone that we can rub our nipples on to make our thingys rise. If this is possible, I'd like to get jiggy with your squishy buns and poke and prod those superficial artichokes like some retarded telemarketer.

Your office can shave Mr. Dressup's buttocks with a Fisher Price telescope, but I have reason to believe your heartless janitors might mistaken a crumb for a genetically modified lymphnode, but it won't change the way I excrete spam on the Usenet

I look very much forward to your urgent response and heavy petting.

Sincerely,
Frank Rizzo

Thu, 2 Oct 2003 11:17:09 +0100 (BST)

GOOD DAY FRANK,

Haw is you and your family doing to day?

Friend why. but you promise to help me move this money in your bank account. because i ask you to contact the lawyer to help us get documents we needed to back you up as the next kin and the lawyer let me know that you says that you can help but why my good friend please help me move this money please get back to me on this email adderss fred_uche13@yahoo.co.uk and please stop contacting the lawyer is a bad man i will look for a lawyer that will help us.

please send my greeting to your family.

God Belss You And Your Family.

Fred Uche.

Dear Fred,

Hello friend, my family is so pleased about your willingness to pack marbles into every orifice of your body with a spatula while quivering and squeaking like some wanker. You are indeed a good friend, and you probably take suggestive photos of your geraniums too. After all, a lump in the pants is worth two in the oatmeal. Would you rather assimilate an illiterate can opener, or seek inspiration from an whimsical blender then?

I hope you find another dickhead soon, or no doubt the Brady Bunch will creep down from the attic and jab at my Hoover vacuum bag!

Please pass my raunchy farts onto your family and I am looking forward to your reply filled with iincoherent gibberish.

Your friend,
Frank Rizzo

Fri, 3 Oct 2003 11:42:47 +0100 (BST)

Dear Friend,

Please stop contacting the lawyer i have see a lawyer. Barrister Rita Ojo

Email barritaojochambers@yahoo.com please do that and get back to me send my greeting to your family

Hoping to hear from you.

Fred Uche

ATTN: Barrister Rita Ojo
RE: Fred Uche's Fund

Dear Rita,

Ointments of the day to you. Mr. Fred Uche asked me to smear dill sauce onto your thighs with a weathervane while we tug on your breasts with salad tongs. If we could cover your asscheeks with sea urchins, that would be just peachy. Roast a chequebook, win friends and influence a radiator; it's all the same to me.

Why won't you tickle Fred with an eggbeater? I just can't believe it, the things I can do with my Spirograph! I'm a Post-It note and I'm okay - I suck on flashlights all night and I rub up against fire hydrants all day. However, I'm afraid that my tennis ball no longer has that fresh spring scent.

Thank you, and I look very much forward to your response that is about as coherent as animal-like grunting sounds.

Sincerely,
Frank Rizzo

Mon, 6 Oct 2003 15:13:51 +0100 (BST)

Hi my good friend i have not heard from you please contact the lawyer i ask you to contact and get back to me.

Barrister Rita Ojo EMAIL; barritaojochambers@yahoo.com.

Please my good friend do that and get back to me.

My greeting to your family.

Fred Uche

Hello Fred my good bung buddy! Sorry, this weekend I was all lemon-flavored like some odd-shaped barometer. I always experience extreme sexual tension around fuzzy felt pieces this time of year.

I have threatened barrister Rita Ojo with a kaleidoscope, but she has not yet made thrusting motions towards my coffee peculator. Perhaps she just needs a bitch-slap or two first? I could pretend to be a turkey baster if it helps at all.

I will let you know as soon as Rita tells me any good light bulb jokes. Please pass my excrements onto your family.

Your friend,
Frank

Tue, 7 Oct 2003 04:00:50 -0700 (PDT)

ATTN: Frank,

I have received your mail fred uche have let me to know what you want me to do. please i we like you to send your 1AGE 2 PICTURE so that i will goon and prosess the dcoument we need.

Thanks,

From Barr. Rite Ojo

ATTN: Rita Ojo
RE: Fred Uche's Fund

Dear Rita,

Ailments of the day to you. Is your goon as firm as my bicycle pump? I'd sure like to process your document with it all night long, that's for sure! You'd be screaming, "Please, my daffodil is so tingly, process my document once more like a savage caterpillar!!" Then Fred would come slinking in with his hot pulsating doorknob and start drilling your tea bags with it like some pinhead. We would all quiver uncontrollably after like convulsing turnips and dream of polystyrene cups.

I am 35, and I like to fiddle with my lizard and squawk at clipboards. Perhaps sometime we could electroplate my bagel while I beat Fred with a sitar? I sure hope so.

Thank you for dehydrating my badger and I look very much forward to your pouting raisins.

Sincerely,
Frank Rizzo

Mon, 13 Oct 2003 08:21:33 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Frank,

please the bank ask us to pay $2.405 for the dcoment we need. so what can we do.

Tue, 14 Oct 2003 13:05:37 +0100 (BST)

Dear Frank Rizzo,

I HAVE NOT HEARD FROM LET ME KNOW IS GOING ON BETWEEN YOU AND LAWYER.

THANKS AND GOD BELSS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

FRED UCHE

Hello Fred my sad sack friend! I was hoping you might relieve my blue balls with a bouncy little ditty about drug-addled kittens rolling off of the rooftop.

Today, barrister Rita Ojo and I wrapped ourselves up in a duvet together and then began to spasm violently like a giant epileptic burrito. She said she wants to wrap a newspaper around your executive toy until it's all white and swollen. I think you should just beat some sense into her with a penis pump! I'm a bus driver and I'm okay, I fondle ice cubes all night and I have insane conversations with shoe-horns all day.

Please Fred, I look very much forward to polishing your bacon slicer my friend.

Sincerely,
Frank

Wed, 22 Oct 2003 11:58:12 +0100 (BST)

let me know if you heard from the lawyer.

fred uche

Fri, 24 Oct 2003 15:14:24 +0100 (BST)

hi i have not heard from you.

Hi I have not farted in your general direction.

Fri, 24 Oct 2003 22:39:32 +0100 (BST)

please my good friend i will like you to contact the lawyer and get back to me.

haw is your family i hope you and your are ok.

Thanks From Fred Uche

Hi Fred, my family are all Disney characters! Dozens of them! All of them amusing! I hope your family is doing a hob-nob a day to keep the ventriloquist away. Beware of the tartan-edged drainpipe, it'll tickle your innards! I fear it may be too late to sing a merry song about Hong Kong Phooey. Piano wires and dolphins, they often get together and steal the duvet from me.

Talk to you again soon my moldy polecat.

Frank

ATTN: Rita Ojo
RE: Fred Uche's Fund

Hello Rita my childhood sweetheart, how is your forehead? The bank can't study the behavior of my lava lamp without any lithium, so we can always soak copper wire in my Thermos until the tablecloth becomes aroused. I can't touch any napkins without my homeless stick anyway though. Hey, have a gander at that priceless stop sign! Wouldn't it be nice to sigh wearily at it?

Talk to you again soon my spongy weasel.

Best regards,
Frank Rizzo

Fri, 24 Oct 2003 22:08:12 -0700 (PDT)

Frank Rizzo ,

please let know if we can do this business.

From barr Rita Ojo

Dear Rita,

We can do this business if you straddle my greasy bread roll while I chant satanic incantations in Latin, but I have to question the purpose of my navel. Who do you think is more Y2K-compliant: Hansel and Gretel, or Jimmy Swaggart? Just imagine a world without tinsel!

Frank

Tue, 28 Oct 2003 04:53:36 -0800 (PST)

DEAR FRANK,

PLEASE WE HAVE TO PAY THE MONEY FOR THE DCCOMENT WE NEED TO MOVE THIS MONEY. PLEASE HELP SO WE CAN PAY THIS MONEY.

THANKS FROM,

BARR RITA OJO

Dearest Rita,

Yes, Dr. Phil said you have a voracious Roto-Rooter, one that we could talk nasty to, and he's like a waffle - all impressionable and irksome. Are you a clam or an UHT milk carton? Fred and I, we are the cromulent bedsprings. We are here to protect you from the amorphous Barbapapas. I want to shame my toilet seat until it looks like an ocelot.

Which of the following has the most duvet covers?
A) a cement mixer
B) a license plate
C) a sparkler
D) the Shover Robot

Please let me know as soon as you can Rita.

Sincerely,
Frank Rizzo

ANSWER ME!!!!!!!

Hello Fred,

How are your farming implements? I trust they are all shiny. Barrister Rita Ojo has not yet tie-dyed my antidepressants. Ooh, I'm so sparkly I could jump over a flange! Is this a single-celled lifeform which I see before me, the spring roll toward my pencil sharpener? Come, let me circumcise thee.

Frank

NB - DO NOT trust the Pusher Robot! Shoving is the answer.

Wed, 5 Nov 2003 04:57:12 -0800 (PST)

Frank Rizzo

we have to pay $2000 so if you can pay let me know.

barr rita ojo

Hello Rita my puerile friend! I have not yet received your filthy Kinder Surprise egg. Not even a a 5½" floppy disk, any bits of bacon, or lint from the lint trap in your dryer, and these are all things that made America great! For example, a pulsating sponge cake indicates that a tea-strainer has brainwashed another girl scout. When you see a sponge cake thrashing violently about, it means that somewhere a tiny little typewriter dies. Any power drill can make love to a cabinet, but it takes a real spatula to outwit an oven-ready chicken!

Please, get back to me soon Rita!

Your friend,
Frank

Thu, 13 Nov 2003 00:38:44 -0800 (PST)

:I FRIEND,

PLEASE CAN YOU PAY THE MONEY LET ME KNOW.

THANKS.

BAAR RITA OJO

Barr,

Yes, I can pay the money. Can you make origami figures from a stovepipe?

Frank

Wed, 19 Nov 2003 03:14:26 -0800 (PST)

I CAN YOU PAY THE MONEY. $2.000 L;ET ME KNOW.

Yes, I can. Can you eagerly please my plunger with your rosy lips?

Wed, 19 Nov 2003 14:01:38 -0800 (PST)

OK SO I WILL SEND YOU THE NAME THAT YOU WILL USE IN MARKING THE PANEMT.

THANKS

BARR RITA OJO

My two-bob bit is full of bunions! Please write newspaper articles about it. Have you still got my slide rule?

Frank

Dear Rita,

I'm a level 5 engine part! I've got a magic wok and everything!

Sincerely,
Frank Rizzo

Wed, 14 Jan 2004 08:36:13 -0800 (PST)

I FRIEND WE HAVE TO PAY THE MONEY SO WE THE KEEP THIS BUSINESS ON PLEASE WATH CAN WE DO TO PAY THE MONEY.

THANKS

BARR RIAT OJO

Is it a barcode reader? Is it a reproductive organ? No, it's barrister Rita Ojo! More bargain-priced than a greasy log, able to spraypaint a magpie in a single throb! Oh, how I wish I wasn't stapled to the hammock, then I too could pounce on your grandmother!

Where is Fred Uche? I fear he may have tried to operate heavy machinery under the influence of dishcloths!

Sincerely,
Frank Rizzo

N/B: WARNING! SAVAGES! DO NOT MENTION YOUR SEXUAL CONQUEST OF THE SHOVER ROBOT WITHOUT ANY GUM!

Where is Fred Uche? Just look at my urine-soaked newspaper! Isn't it house-trained yet?!

Thanks

Frank Rizzo

Fri, 23 Jan 2004 13:47:45 +0000 (GMT)

Frank Rizzo,

i HAVE NOT HEARD FROM YOU I HOPE YOU ARE OK.

FRED UCHE

Hello Fred my anomalous friend!! I missed your infantile jokes about doberman pinschers! Is it true that you make them up while rubbing a rubik's cube on your crotch? ANSWER ME!! If you're not careful, you may accidentally snag a polystyrene cup with that thing, then there'd be at least five dubious greyhounds licking your cube and humping your legs!

Sincerely,
Frank

Fred? Are you ok???

Sat, 14 Feb 2004 13:13:59 +0000 (GMT)

Frank Rizzo,

DEAR FRINED,

HOW ARE TOO AM OK AND FINE BARR RITA SAY THAT WE NEED MONEY TO GET THE DOCUMENT WE NEEDED TO MOVE THE MONEY.

SO PLEASE I HAVE BEEING LOOKING FOR MONEY PLEASE NEED YOUR HELP SO THAT GET THIS MONE I WHAT YOU TO KNOW THAT MONEY PAY MOUST BE PAY BACK TO YOU.

THANKS,

FRED UCHE

Dear Fred,

How am too fine ok are Barr Rita say that we need to have a circle jerk. After all, sharing is caring. Sometimes she is like a soggy mitten - lightheaded and full of sponge fingers!

I have been looking for a satanic RS232 cable to plug into your geiger counter. If you want the bling bling, you've got to have the chi-ching.

Take care friend,

Frank

Thu, 11 Mar 2004 03:48:39 +0000 (GMT)

DEAR FRIEND, HOW ARE YOU TO DAY? PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU ARE FINE BECASUE I HAVE NOT HEARD FROM YOU.

FRED UCHE

Hello Fred my defective friend! Are you ready to get intimate with my rubber mallet yet? Barrister Rita Ojo said you were robotic. I have $350.00 USD to send, but nobody will gob my nob now!

Mon, 3 May 2004 10:37:59 +0100 (BST)

I will like you to pay the money through Western Union Money Transfer,with the name of my personal assistance.

Please send the money with this informations.

MR.SUNDAY ODOGWU

ADDRESS:LAGOS - NIGERIA

TEXT QUESTION: WHAT IS MY WIFE NAME

ANSWER: MARY

Please as soon as you make the payment send to me the western union control number,senders name and address so that it will be easier and faster for us to collect the money from the bank without any delay.

Thanks and God bless.

fred uche

Hello Fred my spineless pinhead! Good to hear from you again and I hope you still love the smell of my engine parts. I now have the full amount required which I sent today and I attached a scan of the receipt for you. Here's the info you'll need:

MTCN: 456-892-3557
Test Question: "Why isn't my helium balloon bulging?"
Test Answer: "Your lizard is not medium-sized."

You can't teach an old dish rag new tricks, but you can slam it against a filthy diesel engine until it is catatonic.

Talk to you again soon friend.

Sincerely,
Frank Rizzo

Please Fred, I am becoming very worried now.

Frank

Tue, 18 May 2004 07:32:46 -0700 (PDT)

Frank Rizzo,

HI HOW ARE YOU TO DAY ? SO WANT IS GOING ON WITH YOU AND FRED UCHE.

BARR RITE

Hello Rita my spongy sloth! How are you? I sent Fred some money, but now he won't dress up like a fry cook anymore! I know if I had a large fry pan, I'd remind people of it at the supermarket, and I would hide behind it in the frozen food section!

Please talk to Fred, I think he is mad at me because I put a kink in his Slinky.

Thanks friend!

Frank

Fri, 4 Jun 2004 10:20:57 -0700 (PDT)

ATT: SIR,

FRED TOLD ME THAT YOU HAVE NOT SEND ANY MONEY TO HIM SO PLEASE WANT ARE YOU SAYS,

BARR RITA

Rita, do not trust Fred. He is malfunctioning. Want are I says is that I may have may have to send the boys around to slam fishcakes against his radiator if I don't hear from him soon! Just don't come running to me with a clam stuck on your drill bit if he decides to rifle through your drawers now!

Thanks friend,
Frank

Sat, 5 Jun 2004 12:16:44 -0700 (PDT)

COME DO NOT CONTACT ME OR FRED

Come, disrobe in front of my Jolly Jumper you saucy little kumquat.

Frank

Mon, 30 Aug 2004 05:22:23 -0700 (PDT)

Frank Rizzo

I want us to do this business so that we can forget fred so please let me knoe if you can do and get back to me so that we can go on.

Barr Rita Ojo

Hello Rita my cordless souvenir!

How can you forget Fred? He is the most organic android I have ever slipped my tool into! Without him, your garden fence would smell of bird feces! Just because your treefrog looks like a fluff-covered kiwi, it's no reason to make puerile jokes about my scrawny gecko.

Yes I can do, and I can smell your irksome pigeon until it is all horrible and angry too. Thanks.

Frank Rizzo

Tue, 31 Aug 2004 04:55:36 -0700 (PDT)

Frank Rizzo,

so you have to pay $500.00 of the dccoumet .
barr rita

Fred's photocopier - you can find great amusement in it, and you can sell drugs to it, but you just can't stop thinking about it! I would have been able to cuddle with it too if it wasn't for your velvety glove puppets. Do you mind if I excrete you?

Frank

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